A pregnancy "scare" That rocked my current perspective

birthstory momguilt newmom Sep 08, 2021

The past three weeks I have been feeling physically and emotionally really off. I’ve spent most of the day in a state of frustration, hyperactivity, or stress.

From a business standpoint - things have grown a major way extremely quickly. And while I'm crazy thankful, I keep dinging myself that everything isn't as “perfect” as I want (few email mistakes here, a wrong training time there, a couple of people had issues logging into my webinar…. you get the drill).

From A mom's perspective - the kids are way the F off their routine after being home for the past few weeks. Between work and home, I feel like I’m phoning in on parenting a lot. And it's a feeling none of us love.

From a physical perspective - I have felt….terrible since we came back from vacation. WAY more tired from my workouts, nauseous, achy, sleeping past 7 AM, you name it, it's just not….ME. So much so everything from Lyme to...being knocked up has gone through my type A brain.

Here is where I get to the point...

A few days ago I made Kent pick up the first home pregnancy test I have taken since…..I have no idea... College?

You see, I'm 34 years old. I've been "officially" pregnant 3 times, have two young children, but because of our fertility struggles have never actually taken a home pregnancy test with hopes of being pregnant.

The other night I did. And it was obviously negative.

We are in no way in a place where we are thinking about more kids RIGHT NOW - or very well will ever. We are emotionally and financially -GOOD with what we have- so that isn't where I am going right now.

I'm writing this because the heart-sinking feeling that took place when I looked at the negative test in the trash was a feeling I hadn't felt for a long time. And it really rocked some perspective in me.

The test reminded me of all the times I would have chopped off an arm to be in the crazed state I am in right now.

  • To have a beautiful husband and two perfect kids... spending everyday ass deep in the toddler years.
  • To have a successful business I LOVE that allows me to meaningfully connect with others AND see my kids.
  • That living and breathing every moment of our last few weeks of August is all I really want in this life. (No matter how much I yell.)

The other thing I remembered: I didn’t start this business to sell ____ in _____ and expand_____ by _____. I did it because of each stage of the mom years - from trying to conceive to being pregnant, to miscarriages, deliveries you didn’t plan for, or an unrecognizable postpartum body, etc. - It’s all so real.

I started this business to support women in those years. To be present in my life and YOURS. Because we all need the education in our bodies, support, encouragement, and confidence we deserve these days.

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